John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they
arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he
can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Come here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine".
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....
"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my
family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood
pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Once a little of nine asked his father:" What is business, Papa?
Father asked the son: "Come on in the garden!" So they went to the garden, the man asked the boy to climb on nearby tree. The boy went up and waited! Father yelled: "Oh son! jump down! I will catch you! The boy jumped thinking he is safe in his father's hands! But the father
backed out and let the son fell down on the ground! The boy hurt and cried: Daddy! Why didn't you catch?
Father replied: "Lesson one, never
trust even your father in business!!!
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!Dear Bo$$In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.Your$ $incerely,EmployeeThe next day, the employee received this letter of reply:DearI kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United State s may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
******
"What did one ghost say to another?"
" Do you believe in people?"
******
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
******
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
******
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
" Please wait someone else is using it."
******
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
******
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
******
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .
******
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
******
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
******
"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
******
"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
******
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
******
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
******
I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it .
******
"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
" You're lucky. My wife does."
******
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
******
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best. "
******
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
******
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
NEWS HEADLINES 2030 AD
Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court settlement.
J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'. Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the country says the whites ('Caucasian- Indians') are 'stealing' away the local jobs.
Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for them.
Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time - runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual, India is nowhere in the picture!)
Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken) because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.
Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.
India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.
Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around 1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.
Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta called "Bar-Bar"
San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi' which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".
*A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England . He stops The first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me free Housing, free food stamps, free medical carefree education and all Wonderful social monetary benefits!' The passer by says, 'You are Mistaken, I am polish.' The man goes on and encounters another passer By. Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England !' The person says, 'I not English, I am from Croatia . The new arrival Walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand And he says Thank you for the wonderful England !' That person puts up His hand and says, 'I am from Iran , I am not English!' He finally Sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you English?' She says, 'No, I am From Iraq Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?' The Iraq lady checks her watch and says.... 'Probably at work
A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
it."
The farmer was dubious.
"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield
buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on
you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the
county to buy a case......we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly
with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the
farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the
cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not
a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was
perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look
like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through
bloodshot eyes and croaked,
"Doesn't that calf have a mother?
Dear Manager (HR),Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed - Project Leader
NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13)
for my true assessment of him..
The hand of the parent writes on the heart of the child the first faint characters which time deepens into strength so nothing can efface them.
-- R. Hill
Some praise me, some blame me. I go the other way.
-- Mirabai, Indian poetess (1498-1547)
If a man look upon any other man and estimate that man as less than himself, then he is stealing from the other. He is stealing the other's birthright--that of equality.
-- Neville Goddard, New Thought teacher (1905-1972)
I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.
-- Mohandas Gandhi, Indian political and spiritual leader (1869-1948)
When you give up your character, you pay too high a price. It's like selling a beautiful portrait to buy a pretty frame.
-- Michael Josephson
Man: "Give me a bag full of money,
a job and a vehicle full of girls"
God replies: so it be, my son!
and made him a bus conductor of ladies special
bus!
Soooo
true
1. The Other Side
Law:
If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on
the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via
Meerut.
2. The Queue
Nahin Rule:
If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking
into the front as long as I am looking the other way.
3. The Mind Over
Matter Law:
If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can
easily pass through one another.
4. The Auto
Axiom:
If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an
information security leak.
5. The In Spit Of
Thing:
The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the
stronger the roads become.
6. The Cinema
Hall Fact:
If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into
pause mode.
7. The
Brotherhood Law:
If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that
the other person has illicit relations with his sister.
8. The Baraat
Right:
When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to
me. To ME.
9. The Heart Of
Things:
If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop
can see through my maldeformed chest into the depths of my soul.
10. The Name
Game:
It is very important for the driver behind me to memorise the
nicknames of my children.
11. Parking Up
The Wrong Tree:
When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the
traffic is not affected.
12. The Chill
Bill Move:
When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to
pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.
13. The Ogling
Stare
If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're
gay.
14. The Bus Karo
Law:
If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will
explode and blow into 6 million pieces.
15. The VIP Rule:
There are only 6 important persons in this city-Me, I, Myself, Main,
Mainu, Assi.
| 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position . |
car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd
either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS
SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down
and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the
two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he
noticed the new sign which read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."
Two robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the police were getting hot on their trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their life of crime in the new city. Unfortunately they just did not quite understand winter.
They were arrested the morning after their first break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the store to their house...
HAM TUMHE CHAHTE HAI ISME HAMARI KHATA NAHI |
TUM NA CHAHO HAME ISME TUMHARI KHATA NAHI ||
JO MILA SEELA MOHBBAT KA USKA PATA NAHI|
RUKH MOAR LIYA ESA JESE KUCH BHI PATA NAHI||
ROJ SATAYA KARTI THI RATO KO TERI YAADE|
AUR AAJ TUM KEHTI HO HAMSE KOI WASTA HI NAHI||
NA RAKHNA THA RISTA HAMSE LEKIN ESA NA KAHA HOTA|
GUNAHA KIYA HAI HAMNE MOHBBAT KA LEKIN SAJA KA PATA NA THA||
FUK FUK KE KADAM RAKHTA THA TERE LIYE ME AKSAR|
KYA KHABAR THI HAME KI TUME HAMARA DEKHNA GAWARA HI NA THA||
ROK BHI LETA TO APNE APKO AGAR TERA SAHARA HOTA|
HAME BHI MUR MUR KE DEKHNA TUJHE GAWARA NA HOTA||
MANA KHATAWAR HAI TERE HAM LEKIN TU BHI YE SAMAJH LE|
MOHBBAT KI HAI HAMNE TUJHSE YE FESLA TERA NAHI||
JABSE MILI THI NAJAR TUJHSE CHEN MERA KHO GAYA |
TU NA DEKHTI TO HAME PALAT KE YE DIL DEEWANA NA HOTA||
NA UDAS HO "ZAKHMI" MOHBBAT KA KHARID DAAR NAHI THA |
IS BHARI DUNIA ME YE DIL WAFADAR HI NAHI THA||
1) If we say 'MUMMY', they come together & go apart when we say DADDY'......
LIPS
2) What goes up & never comes down:
AGE
3) Patches over patches but no stitches :
CABBAGE
4) What is that we cannot see, but is always before you:
FUTURE
5) What goes up & down a hill, but never moves:
ROAD
6) You can never wet it:
SHADOW
7) What belongs to You, but used by your friends more often you do:
YOUR NAME _
1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say " don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
**********
2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
**********
3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
**********
4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.
**********
5 . Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People
**********
6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
**********
7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
**********
8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
**********
9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.
Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.
Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
**********
10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES
**********
11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
**********
12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"
**********
13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot.
Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.
**********
14. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely .
**********
15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue
**********
16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.
**********
17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw .....
A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied.
"Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"
Oracle's Real-Life Q & A
Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'
Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'
Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'
Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'
Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved !'
Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'
Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'
Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'
Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'
Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'
Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend . Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." Britons who see that do not feel as if they have
accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks up and Ahmed's sign reads:
"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan "
A boy standing in a bus stand asks the bus conductor of all the buses
passing by, "Will this bus run?". All the conductors replied "yes" as
the default answer.
A man standing besides the boy was watching him for long time and the boy kept on asking the same question to all the bus conductors and never got in any of the bus.
The man lost his temper and asked the boy where he wanted to go and why he is not taking any of the bus.
The boy replied, "My dad has told me, do not get into running buses".
